Purpose

I woke up this morning blissful, cheerful,and ridiculously giddy. I had wanted to give credit to the brisk, sunny morning, or the plenty of hours of sleep I had, or the wonderful clean smell of my sweater, but I then remembered that I had taken my anti-depressant before I went to bed the night before. Was that it? I'm not really on the pill to make me happy, but rather to keep me from returning to a certain addiction I have proudly conquered recently. I drove on, thinking, "Maybe I need this pill more than I realized..."

Depression is difficult to anylize. They say it's anger turned inward. They say it's a chemical imbalance. They say it's genetic. But what most choose to avoid talking about is the very sadness itself, the hopelessness, and the spiritual despair. Doctors don't want to say, "You're sad because you don't feel loved. You're sad because you have no hope. You're sad because you have no purpose." Depression is a powerful darkness. It can consume the strongest of souls, and it can be undeniably sneaky and undeniably deniable. But I seem to have discovered a fairly simple, accessible light that, I believe, can save even the most seemingly un-savable.

The darkest times in my life have been when I've felt the least needed. The darkest times in my life have been when I've felt completely and utterly purposeless. Futureless, pathetic, and unwanted. Useless, un-respected, and futile. Perception plays a role, no doubt. So does that chemical imbalance thing. But there's a way out. And it's not with a pill.

As I drove on I realized how inconsistant the pill had been. I haven't woken up this cheerful every single morning I've taken it the night before. So, why was this morning different?
The autumn air was different.
It smelled sweet, crisp, as if it was its own life. It made me remember the goodness of change.
It woke me.
I was alert and aware that the breath of something good was blowing through my soul. After years and years of pursueing the end of a rainbow that I would never reach, I realized that the meaning of living and breathing and dieing is entirely summed up by what we ourselves give selflessly back to life. Everything is designed by cycles and circles, and giving out is the only way we'll gain inwardly.

I thought of all the people in my life that I love. I thought of the children I teach and care for. I thought of strangers, and enemies, and criminals. If I could only figure out how to give selflessly to my community, the entirety of it, not just the ones that are safe and easy, then I could surely find my simple light, my simple salvation.
Purpose.
For once, in a very, very long time, I feel like I have a purpose for living, for breathing, and for dieing without regret. The morning sun looks very different when you know you're headed toward a horizon of promise, and a place where people need and want you. The road is a much happier place to be when you have a direction. People in your life become much less oppressive when you give to them without expecting anything in return. It is a great feat, and a great joy to make others feel loved.
Purpose.
It truly is, as simple as that.