Secrets to Understanding Women....Phase 1: dating

I've debated about this with myself for years, now. I've always wanted to write a sort of "handbook" for men. But when you think of all the variables it's hard to go down one, specific path with it. Every human being is too individual to throw into catagories, or stereotype. Because, hey: not all women have shoe fetishes, and not all men are good with a wrench. Right? And we're all attracted to different types, and we all have our own way of playing the dating game, and we all have different reasons for being in a relationship. And? When it really comes down to the real deal? Love? There's no guidelines for love. It's the most impractical, illogical force of all... But, dating? On a shallow level? A simple level?

Let's throw all those variables out the window, entirely. I've been itching to let out a few clues, tips, and basic rules to follow for a man in pursuit of a woman. Now there's different stages, of course. I want to start with my "favorite" (which conveinently comes first in the sequence already), which is: asking the woman, out.

Dating, it's called.
Now,I'm going to share a secret. Consequently, this secret is going to turn me into the biggest hypocrite (a good kick off!), but I think it's only fair.
I don't date.
I hate dating.
I hate the ritual of a man I hardly know forking out money to pay for my dinner, or for my drinks, or my cheesy bowling games. It makes me feel obligated to a complete stranger. Awkward! And flowers? No thanks. Nice gesture, but I believe that romance like that should come later. Buying me flowers when I hardly know you makes me feel like you're trying to buy my affection. I'm either going to be attracted to you or I'm not, flowers aren't going to change that.
I'm terrible, aren't I?
Yeeeah...
I don't think I am. I'm real.
But here's where the hyprocritical part of it comes in:
I'm about to share some "tips", and "rules" and what not about dating a woman properly. I'm going to pretend that I'm a woman who actually likes dating, and I'm going to let you in on a few of our secrets. (I can already feel the controversy rising....)

Our signals:

Subconsciously, women will hold themselves in as feminine of a light as possible when first meeting a man they're actually attracted to. If her voice seems up an octive, your chances are good. If her posture is ladylike, and she's moving about like she wants you to know how flexible she is, your chances are even better. If she holds your gaze for a while, and smiles seductively. You're totally in.
But these are easy. The harder ones are telling when she's NOT into you. Pay attention to these, now.
1) If she's talking to you like an old buddy from elementary school, she's not interested. Just because she's laughing at your jokes doesn't mean she wants to sleep with you. If her giggles are sort of shrill, and she touches you when you make a joke, then you're totally in. But if she laughs, and doesn't want to make eye contact, she's trying not to lead you on.
2) Nine out of ten times a woman who says "no" (to anything), MEANS "no". She's not playing hard to get. Get over it, respect her "no", and for the love of nancy, MOVE ON.
3) If she doesn't call you, she's not interested. Period. She didn't loose your number. She's not too busy. She doesn't like you in that way, and doesn't want to lead you on.
4) "Just friends" means: "In no shape or form am I ever going to be sexually attracted to you." "Just friends for now" means: "I like to take it real slow, and I'm unsure of you right now, so I want to wait it out..."

Those are the basics.

You want to know how to turn a woman off? These are good...heh heh...Check it out:
*Stare at her breasts and grin stupidly.
No, it's not a compliment. A glance, is a compliment. Staring and grinning makes you look like a man with absolutely no self control, which, in turn, makes you look no more evolved than an ape.
*Talking in a weird, trying-to-be-sexy voice. Dude. You're either sexy or you're not. The voice is just lame and weird. Very, very few men can pull off the sexy voice, and the ones who can have a natural talent that they themselves are probably not even aware of.
*Don't buy a drink for a woman without asking first. Don't be that guy. Don't ask the bartender to send a drink "to the blonde by the pool table", and then wink at her when the waitress points you out. Double, trible, quadtruple rude. Why? Because for one, you don't even know if she has a boyfriend. Two, you have no idea what kind of drink she likes or even if she WANTS another one. Three? It looks like you're buying her off. You're putting her into a position where she's now going to feel rude if she doesn't come talk to you whether she's attracted to you or not. There's nothing worse than "tricking" a woman into talking to you. This happened to me once, and I was a little bit of a snot about it. I saluted the guy (who was...whoa. super hot...)in a sort of sassy way, drank my free drink, and never went over to talk to him. Mean bitch? No way.
Now. If she's been sending you signals all night? Okay. Sure. But you should still ask her, no matter what. ASK HER.
*And for the love of pete: just because you own a house, have a nicely manicured lawn, work in an upscale office, drive a nice car, and really, really like to talk about yourself, does not in any shape or form automatically make you a good catch. Having a hobby or two, a passion, a joke to tell, something of the sort is going to make your night all the better. That is, of course, if she's a normal, unshallow, good woman. (Again with those variables! Crap.)

Ugh. Writing this is making all those variables spring up, and is making me second guess everything I'm writing. I certainly can't speak for all women, only myself and the ones who are like me. There are plenty of women who would love to have a mystery man buy them a drink from across the way. There are plenty of women who totally dig guys with deep pockets and nice offices...

So. I suppose this is simply a list, an essay, a rant on things that I wish I could say to every man who's ever tried to hit on me and has only pissed me off doing so. If there are any women out there who agree to any of this, I sure would like a show of hands. There's so much more I still want to carry on about, but I think I ought to end it here before my foot gets lodged completely into my mouth.